Weekend Coffee Share 11/27/20 – NaNoPoBlano Challenge Day 27/30
Hello my friend!
Wonderful to have you drop by for coffee! I’ve come to look forward to coffee share time. These days, we have to take our socialization where we can get it! Right? So fill your cup with something you love and get comfy. I want to talk about something probably new to you….
Have you heard of the terms
“Not Parent Expected-NPE” or “Misattributed Parent Event-MPE”? These terms refer to people who find out that one or both of their parents are not genetically or biologically related to them. This can mean that they are adopted or that they might be donor conceived-DC- the result of sperm or egg donation, or they could be the product of an affair or possibly rape.
Up until recently, our origin stories were completely dependent upon our parents or relatives. Maybe truth was shared, maybe it wasn’t. But affordable DNA testing has changed all of this! More and more people are finding out every day that their origin story is very different from what they believed it to be. And frankly… It can be quite upending.
I’m one of those people. And believe me when I tell you this is a big deal. I could not have said this so publicly even 3 months ago. When you find out that half of your origin is a mystery and that your spoken truth could impact people you’ve never even met, you/I wonder what is fair to share and what isn’t. I also had to figure out if sharing my truth was, in any way, disrespectful of the my dad…the man who raised me knowing I was not his biological child.
There is so much to unpack with this topic. And I hope to do that gradually over time. I hope to share the emotional intricacies that are inherent with this discovery. Believe me, they are innumerable and immeasurable! And my hope is that my sharing with you will ease the journey for those who come behind me.
With the ever increasing popularity of DNA testing, you or someone you love could find yourself in this position. Or, on the flip side, you could be contacted by someone who has just discovered their genetic truth and they are asking you for information about your family….because they are now part of it.
Since I’m the one in search of my genetic truth, I can’t begin to imagine the probable shock that comes when an NPE/MPE contacts a new and unsuspecting family member. But I can ask you to breathe deeply and to be kind. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
And if you are not the one who is contacted… If you perhaps hear about a situation like this from a friend at work during lunch… Please share this message with them. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
Take the time you need to digest this new reality. Certainly be cautious about what you share with a total stranger. Go slowly. But please remember that their situation and need for information is not their fault. They aren’t trying to upset you or your family. They’ve discovered that they know nothing about half or all of their biology and their relatives and their history. Their personal origin story has been shattered. Their foundation has, for many, collapsed. They’re clawing for solid ground. Please don’t add to their trauma by being mean or angry or by withholding information from them. Please be kind.
We NPE/MPEs are looking for information and we’re trying to rebuild our personal stories. We want and need and deserve to know our medical history. We want to know what our parent looks like…Do we look like them? Many of us felt like we just didn’t fit in with our family of origin. Do we take after that missing parent? And what about grand parents? What were they like?
I found out I’m half Jewish. I’ve not only missed out on all of the above. I’ve missed out on a rich and ancient culture. Many of us feel cheated out of our heritage. We’re trying to catch up. Please help us. We are not the enemy.
I’ll be talking more about this in future posts. So please stay tuned. Information is power and so is understanding. My goal is to increase both by sharing my stories of discovery.
Whew, that was a lot. I know. I appreciate you listening to this. Together we can make the world a little gentler for others in this situation.
Please have another cup of coffee. Relax. And know that I’m always so glad to see.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend my friend!
If you have already found yourself on either side of this situation, know that there are resources for you. Just a few of them are listed below.
NPE Friends Fellowship is an organization that supports both the NPE and their families. There are several Facebook groups that are meant to support you, wherever you are in the process. https://npefellowship.org/about/
Right To Know shines a light on the need for genetic truth
https://sites.google.com/view/righttoknowus/home
Severance Magazine has articles about all of these topics
https://severancemag.com/about-severance/
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The weekend coffee share is hosted by Eclectic Alli here-https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/
Follow the NaNoPoBlano blogging team here: https://wordpress.com/tag/nanopoblano2020
With Angels and Elephants 
Your writing is amazing . I found your blogs through severance magazine . For months now I have been trying to figure if I should contact my birth mothers children. They live in same state. I met by birth father 2 years ago and all five half siblings . My birth father and I have had a wonderful journey , orchestrated with Gods fingerprints all over it. I have developed a very close relationship with a sister. It’s a beautiful story . My birth father was 87 and I 69 when we met. Serendipitous finding when one of my daughters did 23 and me . He told me my birth mothers name …. in linking up found her obit from 10 years ago. Her 3 children were listed and they all live in same state . I am torn between betraying g my birth mother in contacting them if they never new snd wanting do you find out about that side of health history and her.
Loved your family pics … we have so many deer in our area and I have s black squirrel too. You express such beauty with words . Will be following you.
Your writing has made me a little braver in reaching out.
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Thank you for your kind words. I’m new to blogging and sometimes wonder if I really have anything to say. Your positive feedback helps!
For whatever it’s worth… Here are my thoughts on your situation:
While I understand your lovely desire to be kind and gentle with your siblings, I also feel like you own your own story! I had the exact same concerns. But ultimately… I came to feel very strongly that I own my story and that sharing it is my right. You have a right to reach out to them. Now, having said that, they also have the right to engage or not. So… If you decide to contact them… Be sure to guard your heart. Know that it can go either way and try to have no expectations.
Further, if you do it, you might want to consider sending a letter with pictures to help them connect with you and your family and explain your intentions… That you are looking for information and friendship and nothing else. By contacting all of them at the same time then you don’t run the risk of one of them cutting off contact for all of them.
You might also want to consider joining the DNA NPE friends Facebook group. There are over 7000 people in the group. It’s a wonderful place for support.
I know firsthand how anxiety provoking this whole thing can be. I wish you nothing but peace and love as you journey further! I’m glad you’re here!💜
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I found out almost 3 years ago through DNA that I’m adopted AND 1/2 Jewish. I too found that blogging helps me. I started blogging this year. Anyway, I was raised in a Black family (birth mother is Black) with Black values, life, parents and siblings. This information about being bi-racial through me for a loop. However, I’ve been in PTSD family therapy for a year now and I’m getting through it all—anger, lies, confusion, race relationships, etc.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Mixedupdiary.com
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Wow, that’s huge! I’m so sorry you found out that way! That had to be massively shocking! I’m glad you’ve gotten into counseling. You deserve support as you recreate your life story!
If you’re on Facebook, there are several groups for exactly this. The overall group is called DNA NPE FRIENDS. You have to go to the gateway and answer a few questions to be allowed in. Once you are in that group then we have an offshoot Jewish heritage group that is for people who have either gained or lost Jewish heritage. We help each other learn about our new culture… You might want to consider joining us.
I’m looking forward to checking out your blog! Thanks so much for stopping by…💜
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Thanks Dinah. Yes, when I found out it was catastrophic to my soul.
Thanks for the invite to the FB pages I am members of both. This is how I found your page. 🙏🏼 💛🤎🧡🍂
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I sometime wonder if the DNA revolution will, finally, lead us to recognize that the only race is human and that we are all family in one way or another (this has both good and bad to it). I have never done DNA, but I have known since I was a teenager that my dad is my dad, not my sire. He didn’t stop being my dad. That was over 40 years ago, what difference would it make now? Would I not take him to his doctor appointments or fix a Thanksgiving meal to share? In the end we are family because we care and share.
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I’m so glad you’re at peace with this knowledge. And yes, my dad was my dad always! But, for
many of us, the desire to know our history and lineage and ancestors is very strong. And so we search. Neither path is right or wrong. Each individual has to integrate all of this in their own unique way. And hopefully we can all support each other regardless of the path chosen.
I’m so glad you came and shared your truth💜
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This was beautiful expressed and shared. A gentle beginning for those of us who know nothing about any of this. 🙂 Congrats, lovely, on sharing your truth.
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Thank you so much! FINALLY taking this step has been wonderfully liberating. And your support has been key. Thank You 💜
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sounds like a very tangled intricate affair.
Had never heard of the term but I have seen DNA tests reveal some interesting paternity tests resulting in some awkward family drama.
In this part of the world DNA testing is still rather expensive so it is not a “thing” people exist without ever really knowing their origins taking the word of what their parents say… although some people have interesting ancestors who manifest in all sorts of inexplicable ways demanding the truth be told.
all the best
~B
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Thank you for stopping by!. Yes, isn’t life always tangled and intricate? It connects us in ways that we never anticipated. But, if we stay open to the gift embedded in the entanglement, good things might happen 😊
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