I’m the keeper of our family photos and family stories. In my family, we didn’t have a lot of positive stories. Dysfunction steals the good stuff. I guess that makes the good ones even more precious. So, periodically, I’ll tell one of the few stories that I remember here. Good things should be remembered.

Today’s story is about my dad. He was a good man and the consummate businessman. He was 6’3” and he commanded respect. Most of the things that I learned from my dad were through incidental learning. I learned by watching him in action.

My parents divorced when I was 12. My dad got sole custody and we moved 2 hours away to a much smaller town. My brothers were 18, 20 and 22; so it was just me and my dad.

We moved from a city with over a million people to a town with about 9000. And I went from a public school to a small parochial school. It was culture shock! All of the changes were so big. But the hardest one was that I went from an environment where my disability was no big deal, to being the only physically disabled kid in the whole school.

It took some time but eventually things calmed down. Most of the other students were ok. But there was one who was relentlessly cruel to me just for sport. His name was Jeff. He was a bully and proud of it.

My dad traveled every week for work and I would go to my grandma’s house while he was gone. Just about every weekend I’d tell him about the truly rotten things Jeff had done to me during the week. My dad always offered to “take care of it” for me. He’d call the principal. I was having none of that! I was sure that’d just make it worse. I believed that ignoring him would make him lose interest and leave me alone.

It didn’t.

So I tolerated this abuse from a boy who was twice my size for a year and a half. And then midway through 8th grade, I reached my limit. He’d gone from teasing and taunting to destroying my personal belongings. I was humiliated.

Now it’s important to understand here who my dad was. He was the CEO of a manufacturing company and was accustomed to being in charge. And I never talked back to him….ever.

But that day I’d been backed into a corner and I came out swinging.

After school, I called my dad from my grandmother’s house. I said to him… “I’m never going back to school and you can’t make me. I don’t care what you do… I’ll just go live with mom.” For me to say that I was going to choose to go and live with my alcoholic mother let him know that I was at the end of my rope.

He was very, very calm. He said… “Dinah, you’ve handled this long enough. I’m going to take over now. I’ll be back tomorrow and we’ll have a meeting at school. It’ll be OK.”

True to his word, we had a meeting with Jeff and his parents and the principal. His mom was crying before we even started. My dad took charge. He never raised his voice. He never sounded angry. He spoke very calmly… But he was most definitely in charge.

He started the meeting by looking at Jeff’s parents and saying….
”You need to know that your son is sick. He needs help. And you need to get it for him. No one who was mentally stable would have done the things that your son has done repeatedly to my daughter over the last year and a half. The only reason that we haven’t had this meeting sooner is because my daughter wanted to handle it on her own. But that’s done now. I’m handling it and you need to hear what I’m saying.”

“From this day forward your son will have absolutely no negative involvement with my daughter again. There will be no taunting or teasing, no making fun of her disability, and certainly no further destruction of her property. Nor will he encourage other students to do it on his behalf. In fact, if he sees anyone taunting or teasing her, he better defend her.”

I could see how embarrassed and mortified Jeff’s parents were. By this time Jeff himself was crying. It was shocking to me to see my personal bully sobbing.

Jeff’s father was an industrial electrician. I’m sure that he and my father had crossed paths professionally many times.

And then my dad said the thing that shocked me and made an impact on me for the rest of my life.

His voice got quieter and he was staring at Jeff’s parents. He then said….”I’m telling you that you need to take me very seriously. As the president of the manufacturers association, I am promising you that if this situation does not improve immediately for my daughter, the consequences for you will be devastating and far reaching… And I don’t think I need to explain that to you any further…”

I was shocked.

Jeff’s parents apologized profusely. And they made him apologize to me.

After the meeting, when my dad and I were driving home, I said
“I’m a kid and even I knew you were threatening Jeff’s dad’s ability to work in town. I can’t believe you said that!”

At that point, my dad looked at me and said “Dinah, never go into battle unless you intend to win the war! I never enter a situation unless I know I can win!”

That was a pivotal moment for me, and probably the best advice that I have ever received! Right then I realized how really brilliant my father was. And I was grateful that he was willing to use his brilliance to help me.

And because of that meeting and seeing him in action, I gained incredibly useful skills that served me well throughout my vocational rehabilitation career. When advocacy is your primary professional function… Knowing how to prepare for battle and win the war is a godsend!

I’m happy to report that the abuse ended that day. I don’t think Jeff ever spoke to me again… Which was, in itself, a huge gift!

And I learned so many big and small lessons that day. I’ve encountered other bullies in my life… And each one of them was handled the way my dad handled Jeff. Because of my dad I am able to go into any contentious situation with the confidence that I can and will win. I know what my goal is. I state my demands, and I know ahead of time how I will escalate things if I need to.

What a gift!

As I was writing this today, it occurred to me that, thanks to my bully, I learned valuable life lessons from seeing my dad in action. If I ever bump into Jeff again, I may have to thank him for that!

I’m glad you’re here💜

This post is part of the November Nanopoblano challenge. A group of us committed to writing a blog post every day for the month of November. Please visit the blogs of my other Nanopoblano cheer pepper friends HERE

The weekend coffee chat is hosted by Natalie the Explorer