Disability -Day 29/30

On By dinahIn #NanoPoblano2023, Disability, friends, self care
Photo by Dinah (c)


Disability means something different to everyone. For some, disability means “those people”. For me, disability means an ever-changing me….and it seems to be swallowing up more of me every year.

As a child, disability meant that I didn’t walk well…that was the biggest thing. There was more but I chose to ignore it. My life was about going, doing and accomplishing. Forward movement was all that mattered to me…learning to drive (without adaptations), graduating high school, college, employment, marriage…

Life was about addition. I was always about saying yes first and worrying about “how” later….I liked that about me. “Yes” felt empowering and expansive. And “can’t” just wasn’t an option.

I became a rehabilitation counselor and spent 20+ years encouraging other people with disabilities to say “yes” too.

I always made sure to do what scared me.

Disability would never define me or dictate to me.

Until it did.

And now life has become about subtraction and change and loss. Disability is now about letting go over and over without losing myself.

I can only stand now for about 15-20 minutes before I have to sit back down.

Cooking and laundry are rarely part of my day. And I now find myself missing what I used to dislike doing anyway….back when my life had more choice than loss.

I’ve stopped driving.

Three years after my broken left arm, my left hand has become barely functional. It’s not a big deal until it is…..like every morning when it takes me ten minutes to tie my shoes because my hand just won’t cooperate. Or this afternoon when I went to lunch with my friend and couldn’t cut my food.

My friend was grace and kindness personified.

Subtraction is too cumbersome when applied to life. Each loss comes with so many details…compound equations become too heavy for any heart to hold. Nobody plans to live subtraction.

Maybe this is why I’ve always hated math.

Loss is harder to integrate because we’re taught to acquire. Nobody teaches about releasing or about surrendering…or about having to do this even after it feels like there’s nothing left to lose or release.

Now disability means relearning and rebuilding…sometimes on a daily basis. It means watching where loss leads…while keeping my mind and heart as open as each day will allow.

I’m glad you’re here💜

This post is part of the November Nanopoblano challenge. A group of us committed to writing a blog post every day for the month of November. Please visit the blogs of my other Nanopoblano cheer pepper friends HERE

13 thoughts on “Disability -Day 29/30”

    1. Thanks for your kind words… Aging with a disability is harder than I had anticipated. But it is what it is and my job is to make the most of every day!
      Thanks again for your kindness… Love and hugs returned.💜

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    1. And it is definitely a whole different mindset… Advancing in any way is rewarded. Loss never is… I think we all need to find a way to support people in surviving loss and changing physical abilities the same way we support people who recover fully…

      I have had physical therapy on and off throughout my life. It was always focused on improving… Well, when you have a neuromuscular disorder, you never improve. You just slow progression. One of my physical therapists actually said… You’re like a bucket with a hole in it. We keep filling you up, but everything leaks out anyway… How’s that for motivational speech!
      Just my thoughts…
      Big hugs.💜

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Leave a reply to dinah Cancel reply