Life is getting ahead of me.
I’m woefully behind in everything…
You name it…I’m behind in it

And I’m realizing that, before I was behind, I was numb
And before I was numb, I was overwhelmed
And before I was overwhelmed, I was hurt, deeply hurt

Hurt was never valid in my family of origin. If I was hurt, that was my fault, my failing, my inadequacy
And, if I was hurt, I absolutely deserved it for being weird or sensitive and certainly for being so different from them

It’s hard to be deeply hurt and still keep doing life
Like a father having Alzheimer’s
Or a brother having a brain injury
There was no time for introspection or healing or even boundary setting

There was only time for tending to the next fire or crisis or appointment
So I did

Quietly and imperceptibly, I subconsciously became numb
to survive
It worked for a while

But numbness takes energy and commitment, especially if you’re going to be good at it
And I was stellar
Unfortunately, champion level numbness took pretty much everything I had

My strength has suffered, which is a big deal when you’re disabled
Friendships have fallen away because I had little, if anything, to give

And the sad reality is that you can’t dig your way out of a hole until you realize that you’re in one
It has been a long journey

The price of numbness has been painful, like being punished for breaking a rule that I didn’t even know existed

They’re all gone now and I’m safe from self judgement because I know that I always did my best for them regardless of their nastiness 

To quote my friend Lestlie, “it is what it is!”
I can’t do much about the past
But I can create a better future 

Let the healing begin…one wobbly step at a time 💜

I’m glad you’re here

This post is part of the month long blogging challenge called Nanopoblano. Please visit my other blogging team members Here